Bortek's First Round Mock Draft 1.0: Strictly Off Vibes
"Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps." - Mac, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
*disclaimer* Bortek is unfortunately the nickname that was bestowed upon me by my family. Please don’t ask me why. Think of it as my pen name. Yeah let’s go with that.
The NFL Draft is finally here. For some fanbases (Tennessee Titans, Cleveland Browns, the New York Giants) the draft process has felt like an eternity considering the fans have been thinking about ‘what next?’ since October.
For other fans, (Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, Detriot Lions) fans have been thinking about what new prospects their team’s will draft to finally get over their playoff trauma and looking forward to having them contribute this season.
Mock Drafts are always fun because depending on who puts it out, it can carry a lot of weight with how the rest of the league thinks and where the first round of the draft specifically can go.
I promise you—please don’t take what I saw below as gosspil. This mock draft, my mock draft, my baby, is going to be strictly off “vibes."
Not about film, not about proper rankings, but what would bring the most fun to the draft on night one (with a little write up about how the player fits too).
You have seen the same names over and over again to the same teams. That will not be the case here.
In the immortal words of Michael Keaton in Batman (1989), “You wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts.”
To the Mock Draft!
1. TEN - Travis Hunter, WR/CB
Are we being serious? Being first overall in any NFL draft means that player should be the No. 1, no doubt about it next star/face of the league. I understand team’s picking that high usually need a quarterback but gosh dangit, Travis Hunter is the best player in this draft and deserves to go first.
I look at it this way. If a player like Hunter were around during the 1936 NFL Draft (when the first official draft took place) he would have been taken first overall then! He’s that special of a player and deserves to be treated with the highest NFL honor before he lands on a professional field—being No. 1.
2. CLE - Cam Ward, QB
I guess you can say Cam Ward is the consensus pick to go to Tennessee (eye roll), but having him land with Cleveland would be a great thing not only for the team, but the entire fanbase.
The dark days of Deshaun Watson are almost over. The sun is starting to break through the clouds and Ward will help stabalize the position that has alluded the Cleveland faithful for generations. Now because he’s being drafted by the Browns, I’m sure by osmosis his career won’t pan out to be great, but hey—someone has to break the mold.
3. NYG - Shedeur Sanders, QB
Deion Sanders’ sons are going to be in the draft. Have we forgotten that? This is Prime Time in Prime Time. If Sanders were just a little bit taller, had a little bit better film on the field, he would be landing in New York and would already be up there with Aaron Judge, Juan Soto, and Jalen Brunson as the Mount Rushmore of current athletes of the city.
Need and fit align perfectly here and the Giants could use a facelift at the quarterback position with a player who could be more electric than the usual suspects who could be confused as tax advisors off the field.
Also the quarterback room of Sanders, Russell Wilson, Jameis Winston, and Tommy DeVito……HBO would have Hard Knocks be just about Giants QBs this offseason.
4. NE - Ashton Jeanty, RB
Mike Vrabel knows how important a running back is to the success of playing smash-mouth football after spending time in Tennessee with Derrick Henry. Ashton Jeanty would be his next All-Star (see what I did there?)
If New England had their house in order along the offensive line, Jeanty would be able to raise the floor of Drake Maye and take an enormous amount of pressure off his shoulders in Year 2. Plus, Jeanty is a no nonsense guy that can play in the artic like conditions of New England.
Imagine the photos that came from the LeSean McCoy snow game, but with Jeanty at RB for the Patriots and Mike Vrabel looking on in the background with a nose as red as roudolph like a proud papa. That’s the world I would like to be living in come November-December.
5. JAX - Tyler Warren, TE
I mean, Tyler Warren said he wanted to wear No. 44 because his Dad showed him highlights of John Riggins. Automaticlly in my Top 5 everytime.
Not to mention he would be bringing a much needed sex-appeal to Jacksonville that was lost when Gardner Minshew was ripped from the heart of the Jaguars.
6. LV - Abdul Carter, DE
CAN WE FINALLY GET MAXX CROSBY A RUNNING MATE???
Abdul Carter should not go this late, but this is one hell of a fit. Get ready for the law firm of Carter and Crosby attacking the AFC West quarterbacks on an annual basis. Crosby has been begging for someone capable playing across from him. Carter also oozes being a Raider.
Talk about being the “No Fun League” for the rest of the NFL. Sorry.
7. NYJ - Jihaad Campbell, LB
Aaron Glenn is looking for a no nonsense leader to captain his defense and there is no better player in the draft to do it than Jihaad Campbell. With CJ Mosley not being brought back, the Jets could use a leader in the middle that commands respect.
He could be used in a variety of ways and would help usher in Glenn’s era in New York with a statement. Campbell has the potential to be the icon at linebacker that Ray Lewis was for Baltimore for so many years.
8. CAR - Will Campbell, OL
You will see this theme a lot throughout this mock draft. Some teams don’t deserve to get the flashy, sexy pick because they need to be put in timeout for not eating their vegetables.
Carolina jumped the gun and just had to trade up for Bryce Young WAY before they constructed their offensive line. So they receive a penalty and aren’t allowed to do anything fun. They will sit at the table, draft Will Campbell, and hopefully learn a lesson from it.
In all honesty, Campbell going to the Panthers would be great for Young’s development due to how cerebral he is as a player.
9. NO - Mike Green, DE
Cameron Jordan is not getting any younger and even though New Orleans signed Chase Young to a big extension this offseason, I don’t trust he will be productive for the long-term.
Enter in Mike Green. One of the most productive edge rushers in college football from a year ago. The Saints have a lot going on and need a major rebuild in the worst way. Green will give the defense youth on it’s side, something they haven’t had for what feels like almost a decade.
10. CHI - Mason Graham, DT
Outside of the top running back landing in Chicago to give fans flashbacks of Walter Payton, the most Bears pick would be a nasty defensive tackle in the heart of it’s defense.
Mason Graham is a bad dude that will keep the attitude going for Chicago’s defense. They could go offense here, but that’s what Ben Johnson, offense extraordinaire, was brought in to elevate.
11. SF - Shemar Stewart, DE
The San Francisco 49ers tried drafting the super-traits defensive end years ago in Aldon Smith and it looked like it would work.
Shemar Stewart is the next phase of that vision with Robert Saleh looking with a bright smile almost as bright as his head on Sunday’s.
12. DAL - Tetairoa McMillan, WR
Bobby Belt and Shan Shariff from 105.3 The Fan talked about this on Tuesday. I don’t remember the last time there was this much consensus among fans for who they wanted the Cowboys to pick in the first round.
Not only do I have an obligation to give fans what they want, I also feel like this is a very likely scenario barring McMillan is on the board for Dallas when they pick at 12. If he is, it’s a home run. If not, well then I just lied to about 3,000 people.
13. MIA - Jahdae Barron, CB
The Miami Dolphins are rumored to be shipping Jalen Ramsey out of town, so why not replace him with who in my opinion is the best cornerback in the draft (not counting Travis Hunter).
14. IND - Colston Loveland, TE
It feels like the Colts have been looking for an elite tight end ever since the days of Coby Fleener. Yeah I said it.
In all seriousness, I think Indianapolis would be a great landing spot for Loveland. Head Coach Shane Steichen would be able to use Loveland in a variety of ways on offense that would give fantasy football managers a reason to draft more than one tight end in the first round again.
Not to mention Anthony Richardson needs all the help he can get.
15. ATL - Donovan Ezeiruaku, DE
CAN WE FINALLY GET THE ATLANTA FALCONS A PASS RUSHER???
I feel like the Falcons have been throwing more darts at defensive end in ten years than you’ll find at an English Pub in London over the course of six hours. Are darts really that popular there? My love for Ted Lasso might be clouding my judgement.
One of the most productive pass rushers in college a season ago finally gives Atlanta the edge player who was promised.
16. ARI - Walter Nolan, DT
Head Coach Jonathan Gannon comes from the Howie Roseman line of team building in starting with the trenches. Getting his version of a Jalen Carter-type at 16th overall would be a steal and provide pass rush up the middle for Gannon’s evolving defense.
Also, if Nolan has any character concerns to work out, there’s no better person to learn from than Calais Campbell who signed with the team this offseason for his retirement tour. A passing of the torch moment happening over the course of 17 games.
17. CIN - Kelvin Banks Jr., OL
Eat your vegetables Cincinnati Bengals. You just invested $124 million annually in Joe Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase, and Tee Higgins. Now go protect the quarterback that’s supposed to keep things moving.
Orlando Brown, Amarius Mims, and Kelvin Banks Jr. might make up the biggest offensive line in the NFL. All-Off-The-Bus Team for sure.
18. SEA - Emeka Egbuka, WR
Drafting NFL players shouldn’t be that complicated. Jaxon Smith-Njigba needs a running mate after Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf exited the Pacific Northwest.
How about just draft his running mate from college and don’t think twice. Also, Sam Darnold had success with the Minnesota Vikings in large part to having Justin Jefferson and Jordan Addison.
19. TAM - Will Johnson, CB
I don’t know why, but Will Johnson going to Tampa Bay feels like a Todd Bowles pick to me. HOWEVER, I’m sure Buccaneers fans hope Bowles drafting a defensive back in the first round doesn’t pan out like his drafting of Jamal Adams with the New York Jets.
20. DEN - Omarion Hampton, RB
Sean Payton would love to draft Ashton Jeanty, but he won too many games to do that—that simple.
So he gets the second best running back in the draft and the Denver Broncos are all the better for it. I think there’s a real shot they can make a deep playoff run in the AFC this year, potentially winning the AFC West (insert eyes emoji).
21. PIT - Jalen Milroe, QB
Arthur Smith never wanted to play Russell Wilson over Justin Fields last year. I’m sure he’s been watching film of Jalen Milroe at night dreaming of what could be with a quarterback who has that much talent as a runner.
The Pittsburgh Steelers draft Milroe and sign Aaron Rodgers to be their Day 1 starter with Milroe waiting in the wings.
22. LAC - Kenneth Grant, DT
John Harbaugh once called Kenneth Grant “a gift from the football Gods.” Do you want to be the one that passes on someone who can go toe to toe with Hercules?
I don’t think so. Harbaugh gets another one of his former Wolverines and the draft content to come from this pick will reach millions upon millions of views.
23. GB - Matthew Golden, WR
CAN WE FINALLY HAVE GREEN BAY DRAFT A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE FIRST ROUND?
The last time the Green Bay Packers selected a wide receiver in the first-round was in 2002 with Javon Walker. For context, I WAS IN SECOND GRADE. Matthew Golden is the pick here (which is a great pick), but put any wide receiver in the first round and you’ll get excitment.
Can you imagine the roar that will come from the fans if Green Bay makes this pick, breaking the curse as the host city for the NFL draft? There may be small seismic activity felt in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
24. MIN - Malaki Starks, S
The Minnesota Vikings tried drafting a safety from Georgia in the first round of the 2022 draft, but it didn’t pan out. Malaki Starks brings a dominant presence to the back end of Brian Flores’ defense that lost starters this offseason.
Starks will be the heir to the throne when Harrison Smith decides to hang ‘em up.
25. HOU - Armand Membou, OT
The Houston Texans will not be getting dessert for the next two seasons. They will be eating vegetables after vegetables until they can prove they are serious about protecting their franchise quarterback in CJ Stroud.
Armand Membou has ZERO shot dropping this far, but talk about the sigh of relief that would come from Houston after the team decided to turnover their entire offensive line overnight, with no serious backup plan. Membou is a start.
26. LAR - Josh Simmons, OT
The Los Angeles Rams are playing with house money. I have to say, if I were not a lifelong fan of the Dallas Cowboys and I was a young kid again, looking to marry myself to an NFL franchise, it would be hard to pass up on Sean McVay and the Rams.
They just seem like a ton of fun. Not only do they win games, but they build their team the right way. After being an “F-them Picks” team, Les Snead has turned their operation into one of the best at drafting players.
Rob Havenstein isn’t getting any older and so Josh Simmons, who some may consider the best tackle in the draft, would be next in line or compete with Alaric Jackson at left tackle in 2025. Either way, Los Angeles is sitting pretty.
27. BAL - James Pierce Jr., DE
From what I’ve heard form analysts I trust across the league is that James Pierce Jr. has some character questions. The guy is as talented as they come, but those concerns could scare off some teams.
Not the Baltimore Ravens. They don’t mind taking players like Pierce and developing them into Pro Bowl level players.
28. DET - Grey Zabel, Ass Kicker
A hypothetical conversation on draft day in the Detroit Lions War Room:
Dan Campbell: “Alright, who do we have at offensive line. Let’s start in reverse alphabetical order.”
Scout: “Well there’s an offensive lineman from North Dakota State named Grey Zabel.”
Dan Campbell: *dials phone to Roger Goodell* “We’re going to take Grey Zabel.”
It was either Zabel or Cam Skattebo at this spot. I’d be happy either way. Detroit should be too.
29. WAS - Jalon Walker, DE/LB
Hmmm, Dan Quinn drafting a hybrid linebacker turned defensive end and having success. Where have I seen that before?
Jalon Walker turns into Quinn’s Bizzaro to Micah Parsons’ Superman. Quinn would actually cast as a great Lex Luther in his golden years.
30. BUF - Trey Amos, CB
The Buffalo Bills need cornerback help in the worst way. This pick isn’t as fun as the rest but Trey Amos is one hell of a player. Plus he’s already looked good in Blue and Red so the transition to Buffalo is natural.
Amos will also have a mentor in Tre'Davious White.
31. KC - Omar Norman-Lott, DT
Chris Jones doesn’t have many years left. Omar Norman-Lott has been one of the most fun defensive tackles to watch in this loaded class.
There are a few other DTs I could have gone with here, but Norman-Lott looked like a Chief to me and could develop behind Jones before he’s ready to take over for him in the future. A lot of upside.
32. PHI - Josh Conerly Jr.,
I wonder what the over-under is for the amount of ‘Jr’s’ going in the first round is? I’m sure some poor soul who’s been in the same sports book in Las Vegas or Atlantic City since last night will be able to tell you.
After winning the Super Bowl and maintaining a stacked roster, the Philadelphia Eagles could go anywhere with this pick. They could trade up for a player they love, but taking Josh Conerly Jr. in this spot would give them Lane Johnson’s replacement for when he retires. Conerly is also an uber-athletic player so that sounds like the right company man for Jeff Stoutland Industries.
It’s a luxury pick for Philly and I hate it, but game has to respect game.